


Who I Was

by DefinateStorm



Category: BioShock, BioShock Infinite
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks and I mean multiple flashbacks, Gen, Memories, Origins, Past Child Abuse, Robert gives himself several migraines, Secrets, Separate Childhoods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2017-12-19 03:45:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefinateStorm/pseuds/DefinateStorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While their scientific feats were the same, Robert discovers a large inequality rooted in their childhoods. It's far too big to ignore, but Rosalind won't speak about it. But what could be serious enough that she had to keep it a secret from even him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Prologue

_"The best way of keeping a secret is to pretend there isn't one."_

He watched her get struggle with her tie. There was an amused glow in his eyes, but he made sure not to smile. She was frustrated enough and his amusement would only fluster her more. "What are you looking at?" she snapped.

"Why are you having so much trouble?" he asked. She wrinkled her nose at him and turned away, "You have another hour."

"It'll take more then that to get there." she sighed.

"Do you want me to come?" He asked.

"No. I'd like it if you could finish gathering the supplies." she breathed, "I left a list, and it shouldn't take long."

"And perhaps I could catch the end of your lecture?" he suggested.

"If you wish." she said, "But you've heard it all before."

"I'm sure it would be comforting to have someone familiar in the crowd." he stood up. He was a little upset that she didn't want him to come, but it wouldn't affect his day. He had his own work to do and he couldn't waste too much time doing nothing. "How long is it?" he asked as she searched for her coat.

"A few hours. I'll try not to go over 2 hours, but I will if I must." she said, as though it was an inconvenience. They both knew how much she loved to talk, that was why she recorded her diaries on voxophones instead of in a journal.

"It will be rather lonesome here without you." he said playfully.

"I'm sorry to inconvenience you." she said bitterly, "But we do have a job to do here, and if you won't do it, I will."

" _You_  told me I couldn't come." he reminded. She smiled at him and returned the smile, "Get going. You'll be late."

"I can't find my jacket." she huffed, "I'll have to go without it." He nodded. It wasn't too cold out, at least not when he thought of the winters they experienced. He would say it was rather hot.

"Be careful out there." he said.

"My jacket." she huffed once more before stomping away. He sighed to himself and reached for his coat, if it was really a problem for her, she could wear his.

"Rosalind?" he called.

"I'll be late." she replied, "I don't have the time."

"It'll take a moment." he rushed down the stairs and towards her. She looked back at him but didn't stop walking, "Just a moment, Rosalind." He reached for her and grabbed her shoulder, "You can use-

"Don't touch me!" she slapped his hand away, "I don't care if you'll be lonely, I'm not your little play thing and I will  _not_  entertain you!" she slapped him once more, this time in the face. He stared down at her, unsure of what to say. "Robert… I…" she looked down at her hand and back at him, "I'm sorry." she reached for his face and he made the mistake of flinching away.

Her eyes widened and she broke down in sobs. Her knees buckled and Robert was quick to catch her before she fell. That only seemed to set her off more, because she thrashed her arms and pushed him away. He looked away, she usually preferred to be alone when something upset her. But after three minutes of constant sobbing, he realized that he needed to comfort her somehow.

He slowly took her into his arms, not wanting to set her off again. "Rosalind?" he whispered, "Are you alright?" She calmed her sobbing but didn't answer. He wasn't sure what to do, she'd never broken down like this before. Neither of them had.

He looked towards the kitchen, a cup of tea would calm anyone down. He moved slowly towards it, silently cursing the amount of test-tubes and lab notes scattered over the island. He sat her down on a stool and began clearing aside the notes. She lowered her head onto the counter and continued crying. "I have some peach tea." he said, "Would you like to try it?" She didn't answer, and he prepared it anyway. It smelled nice enough, and she did enjoy peaches.

"I'd like some." she said quietly as he prepared the tea. He nodded and relief flooded his chest, she was calming down. He prepared the tea with only the sound of Rosalind's sniffles to remind him that she was still there. When it was ready, he poured two cups and sat down at the island with them. He added the sugar to it, she didn't like it too sweet, he remembered. One spoon was enough, and if she wanted more, she would add it herself.

"Here." he pushed the cup towards her, "Are you alright?" he asked as she composed herself. It was a stupid question, clearly she was not.

"I'm fine."

"You're shaking." he pointed out, "Do you mind telling me what's wrong?"

"Nothing you don't already know." she mumbled. She sipped from her tea slowly and closed her eyes, "It happened when we were younger."

"What?" he pressed.

"You know."

"I don't."

"You do."

"Rosalind. Remind me." he sighed.

"It's nothing serious if you don't remember." she said, "But it happened to you too."

"It didn't." he said, "I don't know what you're referring to, but it couldn't have." If it was enough to make her freak out, then he was sure he would have remembered it. The only other conclusion, was that it didn't happen. And that was a strange enough thing on its own. While he hadn't been with her for long, he had noticed that they weren't complete copies of each other. But  _every_ event in their life had been the same. Why was this different?

"Why… Why did you go to America?" she asked suddenly.

"After college, Mother said I could find better opportunities there." he shrugged.

"Better?" she whispered.

"It was the same for you, correct?" he asked. She shook her head, "Then why did you go?"

"My lecture." she stood up, "I've wasted too much time." She headed for the door.

"Take my coat," he called after her, "If you need it."

She picked his coat up from the floor and nodded, "I was thrown out. Mother had gotten so angry with me, that she told me to go." she said, "I came to America, because I didn't know where to go."

"Why? Why would she-"

"Robert, I'll be late." she sighed.

"You've been crying," he reminded, "You can't give a lecture like that."

"I'll fix myself on the way." she snapped, "I'll be back at 9."

"Do you want me to come?" he asked. She looked at him and considered it. If she didn't need him there before, then she certainly did now.

"You have your own work." she said finally. He sipped his tea and closed his eyes.

"Shall I prepare dinner?"

"It will be far too late to eat at 9." she said.

"But you might be hungry anyway." he said.

"Don't push the matter, brother." she said, "I won't be in the mood." She slipped his coat on and left without another word. Any other day, he would have let it drop. She was entitled to her secrets after all. But this one put him on edge. She'd already admitted that something had happened to her as a child, how that connected to what happened today was a mystery.

And the other bit of information, about their mother throwing her out… It all warranted a further look, but he knew Rosalind wouldn't speak anymore on the matter. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips and he frowned. All he could do was sit back and hope she would tell him what it all meant. But this was _Rosalind_ he was talking about. That was as likely of Columbia rejoining the United States.

He sipped his tea slowly, he had to stop thinking about it. He had his own work to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Bioshock or anything related

Chapter 1

_"There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless."_

Robert was sleeping, she knew that much. He wasn't going through anything that he couldn't handle, yet he continued to act as if he was. She knew he was trying to hide it, but she could tell. His curiosity was getting the best of him and he was poking his nose where it didn't belong. He would hint at the "incident" but never outright bring it up. What did he think he would accomplish? If she told him anything, everything would be ruined and she would be broken again. She didn't need that.

But she had to do something. She'd thought those memories had been buried deep enough. She should have never had to deal with it at all. But she did, and it was affecting her studies. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat and that lead to nothing but constant exhaustion. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw nothing but the flicker of memories. How could one moment from so long ago affect her this way? And what would Robert do if he ever found out? Her memories all rested with him as much as her. He only needed to look and he would know. There would be repercussions. Possible bleeding and headaches, but he'd know… And he'd hate her. He'd never want to see her again and-

"Rosalind?" she lifted her head. Robert stood in front of her desk with two cups of tea in his hands.

"What is it?" she hadn't heard him come in, but even if she wasn't so exhausted she probably wouldn't have.

"It's late, I think we should take a break." he set a cup of tea on her desk, "It's peach."

She gave him a smile and picked up the cup. Maybe the tea would help her relax, she wasn't in control of her mind and she didn't like it. "Did you finish the study?" she asked as she sipped.

"I did. And you?" he started back for his desk.

"Yes." she lied, "It wasn't very interesting."

"I don't suppose it was." Robert shrugged. She took a sip of tea and noted that it wasn't doing much to relax her. She was shaky, very shaky, and her eyelids were beginning to sag with sleep.

"Robert, do we have any coffee?" she asked.

"We do, but it will take a few moments to prepare." he said, "Why don't you go to bed?" She tried to blink the sleep away, but it didn't work. She was going to fall asleep and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

"I can't Robert." she sighed, "There's so much to do." Her vision blurred and she thought Robert might have gotten up. "Robert… Did you-"

"I'm sorry." he murmured, "I had to." She felt his arms around her, steadying her as her body weakened and she fell into an unwanted sleep. Her last thoughts were of Robert and how he'd drugged her.

0.o.0.o.0

_Summer had just begun and Rosalind found that every conversation seemed to be about Suzanne Collins. From what she gathered from tea with her mother, Suzanne was a 17 year old girl and was to be wed to Julius Lancaster on August 14. It was a silly subject, but Rosalind knew the wedding would be all her mother talked about for the next 3 months._

" _Rosalind, don't you want to go outside?." her mother nudged her slightly and nodded towards the group of girls talking near the rose bushes. Rosalind didn't look up from the book, she instead shook her head. "Those girls all came to play with you."_

" _They came because their mother's made them." Rosalind said, "They don't even like me."_

" _Then read outside, you need a little sunlight." another women at the table said, "You're so pale." Rosalind looked up at what was to become a conversation about her physical appearance. She slipped out of her chair and ticked the book under her arm, "What is that book anyway?"_

" _Nothing." she said quickly and exited the room. The last thing she needed was to hear her mother start on her book choices._

_Rosalind looked around the yard and found a spot under the shade of a tree. She sat down and shoved her face back into the book. The sound of children playing far off only seemed to distract her. They were talking about the wedding as well. She was too distracted to read, but she made sure to keep the book up._

" _How lucky is Suzanne to be marrying a Lancaster?" a young girl asked. Rosalind blinked and looked up from her book. Not many people had the nerve to bother her while she was reading, or at least pretending to read. "They're very wealthy." the girl said._

_Rosalind didn't know the girl personally, she believed her name was Emily and her mother had been the one to comment on her skin tone._

" _Do you honestly believe that she is lucky?" she questioned, "She was forced into this."_

" _But anyone would be, have you seen Julius?" Emily giggled, "He's made of muscle."_

" _So?"_

" _You're such a child, Rosalind." Emily huffed, "Don't you understand?" Whenever she spoke her mind, she was always brushed off as childish. She didn't believe that she should have to live up to society's rules of being a woman. Yet whenever she mentioned that, she was faced with either a strict glare from her mother or the shameful gaze of her father._

" _I understand." she usually lied to people, if only to get them to leave her alone._

" _Good, now come with me to the dress room, I'm sure your mother is going to allow us to play in her dresses." Emily giggled, "Isn't that nice?"_

" _I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of reading." Rosalind gestured to the book._

" _Physics?" Emily wrinkled her nose at the title, "How boring. Why are you reading at things like that?"_

" _A few nights ago, I had a dream-"_

" _Oh, I heard your mother talking to mine about that nightmare. You shouldn't eat sweats before bed. That's what happens when you do, you have nightmares."_

" _It was a dream, Emily. A peculiar one, but still a dream." Rosalind argued, "And it made me curious."_

" _It was a nightmare." Emily said firmly, "And I think you should stop all this reading and come play with me." Before she could react, Emily snatched up the book and ran off. "Hey!" She jumped up and followed after her, but Emily was fast. Even though she preached that women shouldn't do too much physical activity (Muscles were for men, after all) she seemed to be very fit. "Emily!" she shouted after the girl._

_They entered the house and Rosalind noticed her mother was no longer in the kitchen. She crashed into a table and watched as the vase that sat on it fell and shattered. Emily paused momentarily and looked back before smiling even wider, "I'm telling your father about this!" she giggled before running again. Rosalind picked herself up off the floor and rushed after her._

" _No!" She didn't know how he would react, the vase was more important to her mother but still…_

" _Stop all this running!" she heard her father's voice and stopped immediately, "What is the meaning of this?"_

" _She… She stole my book." she pointed at Emily, "I just wanted her to give it back." Emily held the book out to him._

" _She wouldn't play with me." she said, "She just wanted to read that stupid book, and she broke your vase."_

" _Rosalind will play with you tomorrow, I need to talk to her right now." Her father took the book and smiled to Emily. Emily looked to Rosalind and smirked before running off to find another playmate, something Rosalind wished she'd done in the beginning._

" _I don't want to play with her." Rosalind said._

" _Of course you don't." her father gestured for her to follow and started walking away. She followed slowly, unsure of whether he was going to lecture her or let her be. He doubted that he would just let her go after she'd made such a scene. "Quickly Rosalind." she sped up and caught up to him just as the reached his office._

" _Father I-" she started._

" _Calm down Rosalind." her father closed the door and chuckled, "I'm not upset."_

" _You aren't?" SHe looked up at him, there wasn't a trace of anger in his face._

" _Not about the reading, no. Although the vase you shattered was very expensive." he started, "What were you thinking?"_

" _Well-"_

" _Not only did you shatter the vase, but you ran through your mother's gathering like a wild animal." . She didn't dare speak up and instead chose to stare intently at the carpet under her feet, "I'll forgive you, but only if you do one thing for me."_

" _Yes?" she looked up at him and caught the strange look he was fixing upon her. She didn't recognize it, "Father?"_

" _I want you to hang out with your cousin Jonathan." he said, "He'll be staying here until the wedding and according to his mother, he's socially inept."_

" _But Jonathan is 16, he's almost an adult. I'm only-"_

" _8, I know. You would have a lot to speak about though." her father said, "He like's physics too, he'll probably pursue a career in it."_

" _But he-" she tried._

" _Rosalind. It's final, or should I tell your mother?" His threatening gaze was enough to convince her and he'd known that. Telling her mother wouldn't be anything to worry about._

" _No." she shook her head frantically, "I can spend a little bit of time with him."_

" _Great, now clean up the mess before your mother get's home." He pushed the book back towards her and she smiled. She took it and rushed off to clean up the mess._

0.o.0.o.0

He was there when she woke up. He was watching her with the same expression he'd had when she'd slapped him. "Robert…" she slurred the words, her body hadn't caught up with her yet.

"Don't speak, let me explain." he said quickly. He stayed silent for a moment and once he was sure that she would listen, he began to speak, "I was only worried. You weren't sleeping and I was tired of coming home to find you collapsed on the floor or at your desk. The little blackouts were dangerous too, You almost fell down the stairs and I thought to remedy the situation before someone else noticed." She knew he meant Comstock. They had a meeting with him soon, he wanted to look into the tear machine once more.

And if he noticed how bad she looked? Or if she blacked out from the exhaustion again, what could he even do? Besides lecture her about how she should take more care of herself. She'd had the conversation with him before, usually after he overworked her. But it grew more outrageous every time they had it. Last time he even gone as far as to say that she belonged to him and she should take care of it for that reason.

"I was truly worried." Robert said, "But I regretted the action the moment you took a sip…"

"I don't feel any better than I did before." She muttered and she didn't. She felt just as exhausted. She couldn't get mad at him, he'd done what he thought was best, even if it took away the small ounce of control that she'd still had.

"You had nightmares." he said, "All the tossing and turning probably took more energy then the sleeping gained."

Rosalind closed her eyes again and thought about the dream. It hadn't been anything bad, just a memory from years ago… She must have had another nightmare that she couldn't remember. "Comstock will arrive in an hour." Robert said, "If you need more rest, I'll tell him that you've fallen ill."

"No, i'd never hear the end of it." She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, "I'll have some coffee and get to work preparing the machine."

"I'll make the coffee." Robert said.

"Don't put anything in it." she sighed.

"I won't be doing that again, I promise." he looked at her and despite the sincerity behind his words, she didn't believe him. "Rosalind, whatever it is that keeps you up at night-"

"Don't." she interrupted.

"You can tell me!" he pleaded, "I just want this to stop."

Before she could stop herself, she was sitting up and shouting at him, " _You_ want this to stop? All you've done is watch me lose my mind. You aren't the one fighting for an ounce of control here! All you've done is watch and drug me when things stopped working your favor."

"Alright, I admit-"

"Get out." she crossed her arms.

"Rosalind, I didn't-"

"Go! Now! I don't want to see you!" she wanted to throw something, but managed to keep calm, "Go." she said again. Robert looked away and left the room.

"I'll make the coffee." he said before closing the door and leaving her alone.

Rosalind jumped out of bed and locked the door. She felt stupid, this was the second time that she'd lashed out at him. Nothing that she was going through was his fault, yet she continued to act as if he was the one that had…

She wasn't going to think about it. She would take a bath, get dressed and then apologize to him. There was nothing else she could do to make things better. "I'm sorry Robert. she sniffled, "I'm so sorry."

"I know." she heard him reply before walking away. Rosalind let herself sniffle for a few minutes before getting up and getting ready for Comstock's meeting.

0.o.0.o.0

She managed to hold herself together through half of the meeting with Comstock. But when they'd opened a new tear and still had nothing to show him, Comstock made a mistake. He stepped too close to her and touched her. She wasn't sure what kept her from lashing out like she had with Robert.

Comstock looked into her eyes and pressed his palm against her cheek, "Dove, what's on your mind?" he asked. His voice dripped with false concern but she didn't shake him off.

"I…" her voice wasn't working, probably because her mind had shut down once Comstock had touched her.

"By now, you would have had something to show me." he was too close. Far too close…

Robert spoke up, "She can't be blamed for this problem. You know how random these searches are." Comstock turned his attention from her and she moved away. Her first thought was to run, to get as far away from them both. And as Robert and Comstock argued, she ran out into the darkness, ignoring Robert's frantic calls after her. She kept running until she tripped and fell. She wasn't sure where she was at this point, it was too dark to tell. But she knew no one was around, she could let herself go here and no one would seen her if she fell apart.

"You're fast." she jumped and turned around.

"You followed me?" she asked. Robert sat down next to her and draped his jacket over her shoulders.

"Comstock left." he said, "He wants to reschedule."

"I can't do it." she sobbed, "I can't see anyone anymore."

"You need to relax."

_Relax, it'll hurt less…_

"No.." she shook her head, "I can't. You can't make me."

"I don't want to make you do anything, I only want you to get better, but I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong." Robert sighed.

_This was something you should have kept to yourself._

"Think of what everyone will say…" she finished the sentence out loud.

"Excuse me?" Robert blinked, "No one else has to know about this."

"That's what she said… when I asked her for help…" Rosalind wrapped her arms around her stomach, "I needed help and she… she wouldn't…"

"Rosalind, let's go home." Robert said.

"I can't…" she felt sick, too sick to move.  _So pathetic, everything can't be about you._ "I never made anything about me, I just wanted it all to stop… I only ever asked for her help once."

"Mother?" he murmured, "Is that who you're talking about?"

"It's cold, we need to get home." she straightened up, "I can't afford to get a cold."

"Rosalind, don't shut me out again." Robert took her hand, "I'm here for you, you know that." And she did. but she wouldn't be telling him anything, she wasn't going to let her memories control her.

"I know that." Rosalind pulled her hand away and stood up, "But I'm fine. You don't need to worry." Robert said nothing as he stood up and started for home. She followed behind him and couldn't help but feel guilty. He was trying… "Robert."

"It's still early, we have work to do." Robert said bitterly. Rosalind stopped and blinked. He'd never spoken to her like that. There were times when they'd disagreed, but his voice had never been so cold and distant. "Rosalind, let's go." he called from ahead.

She took a breath and started walking again, things were going to be different from now on. This secret was tearing them apart and she hadn't even told him anything. But there was nothing she could do about that, because she couldn't tell him anything without destroying herself in the process.


End file.
